What did it feel like?

So you're certain that you want to know what it felt like? I know you asked but are you completely sure you want to know? Do I really have to relive it just to appease your morbid curiosity? Why am I even considering it? Well, fine. I'll tell you what it felt like...

It felt like when you would ride through an empty dark tunnel on your bicycle as a kid. You would hear the sound of the your breath..., the sound of your pants rustling as you pedaled, the clack of the chain, and the echo of the tires humming in your ears. You would see the light at the end of the tunnel peeking in, and you knew soon enough you'd be covered in the warmth and brightness of the spring time sun.

But then somehow you end up in an over crowded subway car in the middle of winter. The cold, the smells, the sounds, the lights, the looks, the judging, the comparing, the people that were up and the people who were down. Everything overwhelming, no place to find quiet or peace. Just a enveloping and suffocating experience that you pray you could escape from even for just a minute.

That's exactly what it felt like when she would smile and tell people she was seeing someone. I felt the familiar salty taste of the first tear at that moment, not that I put much effort into stopping the tears. How could I not drown in the pain? You see, my curious friend, to my dismay that someone she was telling people about, with that smile of hers that touched me in places of my heart that I kept locked and hidden away for so many years and never thought I'd let see the light of day again, was not me.

Excerpt from rough draft "Untitled Project"


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